Sombra Malamutt (sombramalamutt) wrote,
Sombra Malamutt
sombramalamutt

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I'm tired...

Sure it's like...2 in the morning so it's only natural that I'm "tired" but that's not the tired I'm talking about.

I'm mentally tired.  I'm tired of trying to please myself.  I'm tired of trying to please everyone else.  I'm tired of just about everything.  I went on my whole tirade about weight loss and why I want to lose weight and came to the conclusion that...I don't know why it would be worth it.  Sure.  To make a costume I think would be fun to make would be worth it.  But I suppose I could still make something that I wouldn't wear.  What would be the point in putting myself through a ton of physical pain and denying myself foods that I like just so I can attempt to please a group of people who wouldn't be pleased anyways?  And I wouldn't be pleased because...well no good reason.  I'm just the sort of person who can't help but have their work validated by someone.  So what's the point?

What's the point in trying to maintain hope that things keep getting better when time and time again you're just proven wrong?  Every time I see something that could be proof for the compassion of humanity, I always get proven wrong.  Either by experience, seeing some sort of injustice, reading about it, etc.  I'm genuinely ashamed to be human most times.  I place no faith in humanity for humanity lets me down over and over again.  I place no faith in myself for as a member of the human species I let myself down over and over again.  And I place no faith in a higher power because...I'm still mad at God.  Whether he exists or not I'm still not sure but if he does exist, I'm angry at him making me a member of a species that I really don't hold in too high of regard.  With all the intelligence in the world, people can't figure out simple things like...

1) A person who does not hold the same belief system as you is still a human being.  What they believe is not an indicator of their level of intelligence since some people do debate with themselves about spirituality and research it deeply.  It's a delicate subject like any other and people with varying beliefs deserve to be treated with the same level of respect.

2) A person who is not a size 0-4 is still a human being and deserves to be treated with the same level of respect as the person you see on TV or on the cover of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.  Their size is not an indication of their health just as being thin does not automatically mean that you're healthy.

3) A person who is a man/woman is still a human being and still deserves to be treated with the same level of respect that you want.  Your genitalia does not make you any more or less of a worthy human being.

3) A person who does not share your interests/has interest in things you consider "taboo" is still a human being and deserves to be treated with the same level of respect that you want.

5) A person who is gay, lesbian, transgender, asexual, questioning, gender-queer, bisexual, pansexual, etc. is still a human being and deserves to be treated with the same level of respect you want.  Being heterosexual doesn't make you a better person.  It just makes you attracted to the opposite sex.

6) Any human being is a human being and deserves to be treated with the same level of respect that you want.

It shocks me that people cannot figure this out.  I don't know.  Maybe I think about it too much.  Maybe it's because I consciously want to try to see things from another person's perspective.  Maybe because I feel different I understand the need to treat other people with respect because I don't know what they go through.  But it sickens me at times that I belong to this "intelligent" species yet people cannot figure out that their fellow man deserves to be treated with respect.

I'm tired of wanting.  Wanting more for my life but being unable to grasp it.  Wanting a thinner body.  Wanting to be better at this activity or that activity.  Everything is a want and none of it gets achieved.

I'm tired of living in a world where people are just so heartless and want to shame others for either decisions they make or things that are out of their control.  There are people who feel like successful actors and singers shouldn't be successful at their craft because they're too "fat".  Since when does what a person look like constitute being a good singer.  This is why autotune is necessary.  Everyone has to be a model.  No one needs the talent anymore.

If I ever lost weight, I know I'd be equally as unhappy.  Because I would only do it to please everyone else.  I dislike most forms of exercise.  It's no fun and an unnecessary chore.  The only form of exercise l like is dancing and I get so frustrated with it because I'm no good at teaching myself how to do it.  I'd like to take a dance class but I have no money to do so and I have no dancer friends to help me to learn.  But it's not like I'm aiming to be any healthier.  Not like society really cares about health anyways.  Society just doesn't want to see anymore fat people so we create a ton of faux health scares/concerns and continuously shove them in people's faces.  If I chose unhealthy methods to lose weight, no one would care because a fat person lost weight so everything's all good.  And in the end even though I'd be able to do all the cosplays I'd ever want, I'd still be a miserable wreck because I'd know that everything I'd done was just to please someone else.

I'm tired of being miserable and crying almost every day.  People say you have this choice to be optimistic but I never felt that choice was an option for me.  For every positive thing I see in the day, I see the same number of negative things happening, sometimes more.  Sorry to say, the negatives have a stronger impact.  I just can't stand to see people being cruel to one another and treating each other like they're better than other people.  I hate this entitled feeling that people have.  I hate that people cheat, steal, murder...do all these terrible things.  I hate that people are out there debating who should be able to get married and who shouldn't...all under this guise of the "sanctity of marriage" while getting divorces themselves.  I hate that people pretend that they know who God hates.  And I hate that people disrespect a person's right to believe in a God at all.  I even hate minor things like people picking on child actors or singers because they're young and famous.  You don't have to like Justin Bieber's music but why does he need to die?  Since when is a bad song justifiable for a murder threat?  I hate that I've bought into these concepts at times and partake in lying.  I hate that I jumped on the "hate Bieber" bandwagon for a few weeks/months despite not really hating him at all and finding nothing justifiably wrong with what he does other than he's a teenager and makes more money than me.  I hate that I'm a horribly jealous person.  Despite trying to hide it, I can't help feeling jealous of other people especially when they're doing what I want and achieving their goals.  And I feel worse when that jealousy is of people I consider good friends.

If God is real, then I guess I'm angry that he gave human beings free will.  It's really turned out so well...with all the hatred and shaming that get's put around.  I understand that if he wanted people to choose him freely, that's fine...but leave me out of it please.  I wasn't a necessary person you needed to create in order to do this.  I'm also tired of this whole spirituality vs. no spirituality thing.  If it's real or not.  If it's real and I die and I chose wrong then I'm punished for it and have to spend eternity with people I don't want to be around?  And if I'm right then I might have to spend eternity with people I don't want to be around.  All the while I have to live on earth with heartless people who will shame me no matter the choice I make.  If I believe then I'm stupid and juvenile.  If I don't believe then "I'll be sorry for it" or I'm also stupid and juvenile.

I'm so tired of not knowing what to do.  Do I conform with the majority?  Stand with the minority?  Stand with myself...which is a position I'm completely unsure of?  I'm so tired of being the insecure wallflower who avoids doing anything new or exciting.  I absolutely despise being shy and introverted but have no idea how to go about changing that.  It's not like I stand out in a crowd anyways...And I avoid doing so much because I'm afraid of standing out.  Because it could be standing out in a bad way.  What if I sang in front of people and they hated it or my nerves got the best of me and I screwed up?  Or if I wore the most beautiful cosplay I could think to wear and the only thing people saw about it was that I wasn't thin and therefore the cosplay is automatically bad?

I'm just...tired...very, very tired...At some point I'll probably either give up or stop caring.  And sadly the prospect of just giving up seems to be the more likely choice for me...
Tags: rant, tired
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