Sombra Malamutt (sombramalamutt) wrote,
Sombra Malamutt
sombramalamutt

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Weight Loss vs. Being Healthy (more or a rant more than anything)?

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that when it comes to health, I...honestly could care less.  I've been told a lot that if I don't lose weight I would get diabetes or something.  So it's not news.  Did doctors think that if they told me one more time that it would be the time to scare me into caring?  I guess they did.  But I didn't care.  If you get into the mechanics of my mind, you'll learn that for the most part I find no reason to care.  I find no reason to put myself through various diet trends, avoid foods that I genuinely like forever, exercise for hours a day, etc.  At the same time I understand that I'm unhealthy and because I'm unhealthy I don't partake in "healthy" things for too long.  Doing exercise is painful.  Even if it is something fun like dancing.  I'll have to take short breaks to catch my breath after a few minutes of it but I can get back up and do more. 

Between the beginning of 2011 and today I've gone from 230 lbs. to 175-180 lbs.  And you know what? 

1) I'm not any happier.

2) I never noticed it.  I still don't completely notice it despite being able to fit into size 18 pants instead of size 20.

3) No one else noticed...except my mom...but she's with me everyday so she's supposed to notice.

I wanted to lose weight too.  But I can't be happy about the weight I did lose.  Even if it is via my own efforts.  I didn't starve myself...at least I didn't think so.  I just have a tendency to not eat a lot because most of the time I don't really feel hungry.  And I had to change my diet because I had to get my gallbladder taken out.  So cutting back on fried foods and most sweets...of course I was going to lose weight.  Even if I didn't particularly try to.  Except...I still don't feel like anything's changed and I'm still not happy about accomplishing that. 

Why?

Because my goal isn't to be healthy.  It's to look good in cosplay.  IE...look good in certain types of clothes.  A shallow, rather vain reason.  But yes, that's my reason.  Being healthy is actually no consequence to me.  And I do feel awkward thinking that.  I think a lot of people want to put the focus on being healthy.  When people talk to overweight individuals they always say stuff like they're worried about their health.  When my parents focus on what I'm eating it's this faux concern about health.  Always the faux concern about health. 

But when people actually speak like this, it's never about health.  It's always about looks.  I my parents catch me eating one fatty thing one day (like a scoop of ice cream or something), the response is usually never actually about health.  The response is usually "Oh, you're going to gain all that weight right back...".  Like the one scoop of ice cream I shouldn't be allowed to have.  But they can.  Despite the face that now me and my mom weight roughly around the same and my dad is heavier than I am.  But no...they can have ice cream and I can't.  Or if they see a person much bigger than me they'll sometimes say "Do you want to be that big?" like they have some knowledge that the larger person is somehow riddled with healthy and mobility problems.  I've never been directly insulted about my weight except for one time in second grade when I was called a "heifer".  But I didn't know what a heifer was in second grade so I wasn't insulted about it until much later on.  But because I've never been insulted doesn't mean I don't feel that societal pressure to try to be thinner.

And it sucks in the cosplay community.  This part of the nerd community.  You're people.  People who are generally stigmatized for having strong interests in things that are considered childish.  Nerds are made fun of for being overweight.  For being people who live in their parent's basements.  For being childish.  But yet this community that knows what it's like to be made fun of will continue to stigmatize another human being because they aren't perfect dressed up as this character.  People go out of their way to take pictures of fat cosplayers and upload them online as de-motivational posters, making snide remarks about their weight, what they assume they eat, how they look.  The costume itself can be a remarkable work of art, but people don't care about that.  I'm confident in my skills to create a beautiful costume.  While I don't have strong sewing skills that's something I can get better at.  I know that I can make a lovely costume with practice.  But is anyone really going to care about that?  No.  They aren't.  I can sew the best costume, taper it to my body type perfectly but because I'm not between a size 0 and size 4 no one's going to give a rat's behind about it.  Because all they can see is fat.

I've got so many ideas for costumes to make but I feel I have to put them behind me.  Not just for monetary reason.  Because earning the money really isn't the hardest thing ever.  But because I feel like I have to try to be thinner so I can look better in them.  It's about the worse "motivation" for trying to lose weight.  I have to put myself through pain that I don't want to feel just so I can accomplish something and not be ridiculed for that accomplishment.

I hate the world sometimes.  I really, really do.  Do you get why I don't think most people's "concern" about health isn't about health?  It's because I'm willing to bet that 9 times out of 10 it isn't.  I know there are larger people out there who can dance gracefully, complete marathons, do all of these amazing athletic feats.  Their numbers when they go to the doctor are impeccable.  But yet...no one will ever believe them.  All they see is "They aren't thin...so these things can't be true". 

No, no...that's not true.  I don't hate the world.  I just hate humans sometimes.  We're such horrible creatures.  I'm not exempt from.  I catch myself thinking horrible things that I know just aren't true.  It's why I rarely voice my opinion on things.  Because for all I know, I could be wrong.  Being wrong is always a big possibility.  So all I know is that I can work on myself.  But most people don't.  From what I see anyways.  Many people are such cruel beings to one another.  It's no wonder I just don't try.  My efforts for pleasing myself are really no different than the efforts for pleasing everyone else.  I grew up thinking that if I don't do anything bad to people, then people have no reason to hate me.  Then I realized that people are terrible beings and often hate people for the stupidest reasons and I turned into a major pessimist who really has no reason for trying to be an optimist...

So yes.  My goal is technically to lose weight.  Not to be healthy.  They are two different things.  Weigh loss implies the whole "calorie deficit", pseudo-starvation stuff (which his fairly easy for me since I'm just used to not eating a lot normally...though avoiding sweets is not what I'm used to...).  Being healthy is just listening to your body's cues and giving your body exactly what it wants and needs.  You can easily be as unhealthy as a thin person as you can be as an overweight person.  And everyone's gonna die at some time right?  As much as I fear death, I do realize this and because one of my goals in life is to get more into cosplay I feel there's really no time to focus on being healthy.  The focus feels like it should be on trying to find ways to look better in costumes. 
Tags: health, rant, stigma, weight, weight loss
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